he’s just not that into you

The book is a new-aged, unique “self-help” guide aimed for single women. The premise of the book, as stated in the title, tells women readers that if a man in whom you are interested in is not making the effort to pursue you, he is simply “just not that into you.”  Wikipedia – He’s Just Not That Into You

He’s Just Not That Into You—based on a popular episode of Sex and the City—is tough love advice for otherwise smart women on how to tell when a guy just doesn’t like them enough, so they can stop wasting time making excuses for a dead-end relationship. It’s the best relationship advice you’ll ever receive. Amazon – He’s Just Not That Into You

Resolved: that if someone is a close friend, then s/he is someone who pursues you.  “Pursuit” is defined as saying something along the lines of, “Hi, I like you.  I would like to strengthen our friendship by engaging in the following activity with you…” with the frequency exceeding once a month. 

Affirmative:

  • because if they don’t pursue you, then it means they are just not that into you.  full stop.  everything else is an excuse.  if you are a priority, then they will make you a priority.  if they are just not that into you, then you are not close friends.  why make someone else your priority if you are not theirs? 
  • because it makes you feel like a chump to have to beg your friends to spend time with you.
  • because it’s unbecoming to directly tell someone that they are not close friend material and the closest thing they can do is to stop pursuing you and you should take the hint. 
  • because actions speak louder than words. 
  • because friendships should be relationships of equals and it is not fair for one person to put in a disproportionate effort to sustaining a friendship.

Negative:

  • because just someone doesn’t pursue you doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you.  they could just be busy/lazy/disorganized.  people express affection in different ways. 
  • because you don’t deserve to be pursued because you are not enjoyable to spend time with.  the central premise that there IS someone who is THAT into you is flawed.  would you rather spend time with people who find it a chore to spend time with you or would you rather be at home by yourself?
  • because all good things are worth fighting for.  nothing good ever comes easy.
  • because nobody plans things in advance and you shouldn’t take it personally.
  • because who cares/take a chill pill/you’re overthinking it.
  • because friendships are not about keeping score and tit-for-tat bookkeeping; they are about giving and being selfless and not expecting anything in return. 
  • because expectations, especially behavior ultimatums, should be used incredibly sparingly in relationships.
  • because you are just being bitter because your friend is more popular/has better things to do/has more power in the relationship.

so great that i can stop thinking about my actuarial exam to start considering important topics such as these.  i would err affirmative on an ideological, stubborn basis, though i think the negative is stronger when evaluating on a practical basis.  at the end of the day, i think it can be tough to come to the bitter realization that there are people who are substantially more desirable than you are, from a platonic, sexual, romantic, professional standpoint and that someone will always be the last one picked on the playground.  but once you come to terms with that, i think it can be liberating.  certainly better than going to extremes and distracting yourself from what would actually make you happy by forever clawing to try to be the most desirable.

life is not fair.  fight for a friendship if it makes you happy.  don’t fight for a friendship if it doesn’t make you happy.  life is a pay-to-play game and you are the only one who is responsible for your happiness.

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