(mis)adventures in dating, episode 3

A Definitive Etiquette Guide for Couples on Social Media

There is such a thing as too much information.
If you have something at all important to say, don’t say it online. The way social networks work, the very point of them, is that lots of other people can see what’s happening. It’s a pretty public Internet out there. We know you know that. So stop putting stuff on there that only one other person will appreciate. Not only do none of us care about the inner workings of your relationship, did you ever think it might be rude, shoving all that digital love in our faces? Like, that Instagram photo of a plate of food with the following caption. “My boy made me dinner! ❤ he’s the best.” Or, affectionate wall posts along the lines of “I love you so much honey <3.” Stop that. It both makes us jealous and want to vomit. Also rule number something of Internets says that any emotions shared over the tubes have less meaning, as it is much easier to type something into the ether than say it to one’s face. So from the sweet (tweet) nothings to the fights, keep the important stuff off the Internet.

so it should be noted that…. i’ve started dating someone!  as in, “hey, this is my boyfriend, daniel!!!!”, all-in, we-are-planning-things-outside-the-date-time-continuum, dating! so… i mean, i’m sure that this installment will continue.  but… the slant will probably be different. and by different, i mean SUPER ANNOYING.  (sorry.) 

but yeah.  i can/would gush endlessly about him, but i don’t know who actually wants to read that.  i also don’t want to be excessively mum, because, cmon, this is a blog built for oversharing, and i think it’s stupid getting kicks out of withholding information, but i will leave one tidbit that you may or may not find charming on this video: (which is hilarious)


james: 🙂  at least you’re not 31?! DANIEL, LOWER YOUR STANDARDS BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.  teach you to think that you can do better than me. do you want your ovaries to atrophy?!?!  okay, guess that doesn’t really make sense. 

angeles: 29/31…do you think you guys feel this pressure as strongly as women? i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t scared of being a single 30-some-year-old woman living in a city around all of…that.

daniel: Haha. Yeah, in the sense that life is short. But… doesn’t really change anything. I still have high standards. *stares at james*

maybe it’s because daniel does a good stare!??!  or maybe this is just Really Not Funny and i’ve officially become “that guy” (or “that girl”, more likely) who thinks really inane things are really funny just because their boyfriend said it?!  anyway.  let’s get down to business: (but sorry if i now end every comment with a statement about/from daniel)


james crackpot theory of the day: you should objectify people as much as possible. 

rationale: when people are objectified, it implies that they are sexually attractive.  people want to feel sexually attractive.  hence, when you objectify other people, you make the world a better place because you are making people happy.

sort of tongue in cheek, but people need to lighten up when people just want to view them physically. learn to take a compliment.  yes, ultimately we want to be appreciated for other things as well as our looks, and the people who do the objectifying can be sleazy/gross. but when we’re old and wrinkly, won’t we be like “man, i wish more people wanted to grope me”? totally. yes, groping=validation.

so yes, objectify others as much as possible.  or, objectify me as much as possible, sure.  (unless i politely ask you to stop, or if i run away)

who has the power in the relationship.  i think angeles first told me about this theory. “the one who cares less about the relationship is the one who has more power.” which is why you need to play the game, blah blah.

haha. glad we’re beyond the adversarial stage of dating. “if I reveal my true feelings will I betray my hand and doom myself to a subservient role?!” –daniel


on how finding a match is tough.  dating is exhausting.  that should maybe be the tagline of this blog.  it’s made additionally complicated by the fact that very few people are a good match.  two views:

glass half empty: fuck, i’m going to date about 30 people before i find anyone who at all clicks with me.  ughhhhhhhhhhhhh so much datinggggggggg

glass half full: when you find THAT PERSON who is an AWESOME MATCH after so many terrible matches and dating experiences, you will recognize it for how awesome it is, how rare it is, how much you treasure it, how much you’ll fight for it. 

if everyone was a great match, imagine how difficult it would be to stay in a monogamous relationship.  switching costs are reduced to 0.  so many other great prospects. (ahem, yes, comes across as gloating.  promise i was thinking this before daniel)

friend: All in all she seems very excited, i hope i do not disappoint
    although I do feel like I should scout this place out right?
me: hahahahahahaha 🙂
   i’m glad you’re excited
   i hope it works out 🙂
friend: I am very excited and nervous
   after that all night what I could think about was what kind of funny comments i could make and   
       what small talk to bring up
   lots of pressure
   i already have a funny comment about my glasses
   when she tells me that she did not know i wore glasses, I’ll say, well I usually dont but I already
      said hi to 2 girls that I thought were you so i thought i should save myself more embarrassment
      and put them on

(friend ended up going on date, “went really well”, she ended up putting off meeting up again over and over; friend has decided to give up despite being absolutely absolutely smitten.  especially interesting because friend is generally extremely cocky and acts like nothing ever bothers him.)

on open relationships/thinking rationally in relationships.  open relationships get talked about a lot for some reason, supposedly because gay guys in the bay area apparently are MUCH MORE OPEN to open relationships than anywhere else in the world.  since this always comes up:

my counterargument to arguments against open relationships: sex is sex and does not imply emotional intimacy (i know people disagree on this).  if a boyfriend is having casual sex with someone else, he can do that and care just as much about you (aka, you should stop being jealous).  and, if he has sex with someone else and likes them more than they like you, wouldn’t you want want them to be with the other person?  who wants to be second choice to someone else, to lock a significant other in an unfulfilled relationship where he believes he could do better?  (aka, accept the inevitable)

(full disclosure, never have been in an open relationship.  when pressed, my party line is that i ultimately don’t care very strongly about it and will defer to the partner, but i believe it can be a stabilizing force.  lines should be drawn, though.)

in general, i try to being rational when those dating emotions rear their ugly head (jealousy, like above, when it’s either unjustified or you have no say in the matter/let them go). 

other example that i could have done without for the last couple weeks: being insecure about how much the other guy likes you, when it is 1) clear how much he likes you, or 2) irrelevant, as you can’t do anything to change it.  i don’t want to have to hear you tell me that you love me every day, but i still have to.  but i don’t have to.  ughhhhhhhhh

on relationships that turn platonic/falling out of love. 

Two Sense: How Do I Tell My Boyfriend I Don’t Love Him Anymore?
I’m a 40-year-old woman who has been in a relationship with a wonderful guy for the last decade. He’s everything one could want: handsome, responsible, and incredibly loyal and loving. However, I have a terrible problem. As he has pressed for marriage in the last few years, I’ve come to a horrible revelation: I don’t love him. He’s really more my best friend. These days when we have sex I am only going through the motions, and that was enough for me until now, when I must commit more fully. The whole relationship has been unfair to him, because he wants more, and to me, for I am miserable living a lie. He often wonders why I don’t express more fulfillment in my life, thinking it must just be the way I am. In fact, it’s because I have not been fully honest with him and feel trapped by my own lies. How do I extract myself from the predicament? The guilt and remorse is killing me.

the advice is pretty sensible, though shouldn’t an argument be made for “SETTLE WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HE IS DEFINITELY GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHO NEEDS SEX!??!?!?!” reminds me of TC – Why People Fall Out of Love With Each Other (tl;dr: people fall out of love for inexplicable reasons at random times.  really fucking scary).  also really fucking scary: NYT (Modern Love) – Missing the Boat: A Case for Marriage (tl;dr: boyfriend abruptly leaves her after 6 years (before new year’s eve!) for no obvious reason; via patrick)

also relevant/trendwatch!?

The upcoming challenge for both partners is to determine the “this is what is and this is what isn’t” about their relationship, as she puts it. “Is the ‘what is’ enough for happiness?” she has asked him. “Is the ‘what isn’t’ too much to overcome, and should we both move on?”

similar dynamic to what happened to me and chris (though other issues, i would argue).  when is good enough not good enough?  how important is physical attraction/sex in a relationship?

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