hos before bros and the evolution of the james-angeles friendship



such a ridiculous smirk.  god

the origin of this was actually ski trip 2011 for the “party cat docket”, i’ve been thinking about this for awhile.  the premise being, good friends should want their friends to get laid, good friends should want their friends to find significant others, hence:

HOS BEFORE BROS: WITHIN REASON, close friends should step aside/encourage/wingman when hooking up/dating is an option for the other person.  close friends shouldn’t be upset if the the other person is choosing hooking up/dating over hanging out WITHIN REASON. 

what is allowed: dancing with a hot guy instead of a close friend, leaving the club with a guy instead of your close friend, setting up a date on during a weekly hangout, choosing a date over a close friend

what is not allowed: flaking on plans with friends (exceptions/once in a while is fine), abandoning friends when they cannot fend for themselves, never making time for friends, implying that random hookups are more important than friendships


anyway, i just wanted to put that idea out there.  always like to argue against conventional beliefs (though i recognize that my interpretation of hos before bros is not necessarily contradictory with the traditional bros before hos interpretation). and not get grief if i engage in “hos before bros” (which… for example, did happen at a friend*’s birthday party, which i thought was unfair).  on the flipside, i don’t think it makes you a bad friend if you choose a ho over me, also.  how you choose to spend your time in certain situations does not equate to how much you care about each thing. (ughhh, don’t know if i can defend that one.  at least in clubs, i have to believe this is the case.) 


angeles as fiona
from angeles’s and my day date, inspired by this ted talk which basically says eating lots of kale and organ meat can cure any disease (TL;DW), where we went to a brazilian steak-erria (in south SF……) recommended by the cleaning person in her office.  angeles’s super big sunglasses and ponytail reminded me of fiona the badass from burn notice. 

the first quarter of 2012 has a new chapter in my saga with angeles.  let me caveat this section with: without a doubt, angeles has been my rock since i’ve been in san francisco.  she is incredibly hilarious, we get along incredibly well, we have grown and gone through so much together, i value her friendship tremendously, etc. i could go on and on, but this is not really an entry about angeles.

that said, our relationship has evolved into a new phase this year.  i’ve started taking the gay networking bit hyper-seriously, and angeles is on her sexual liberation streak, causing our paths to diverge.  which has made “doing things together” a bit harder (as i only want to be around gay guys and she only wants to be around straight guys), and we have gone from activity partners to constantly catching up.  the dynamic changed from “MAN LAST NIGHT WAS CRAZY!!!!” to “YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME LAST NIGHT”. 

the double edged sword of independence.  i slowly have come to the realization that angeles and i aren’t co-dependent anymore.  co-dependence is obviously also an exaggeration, but as recent as a year ago, i relied pretty heavily on angeles because of my crippling social anxiety, and angeles relied on me as her activity partner/companion during her singledom and when she was still building her circle of friends post-breakup. 

now, i do slightly better in social situations and have other gay friends who are more available when i’m in situations to meet (gay) people.  angeles has become a rockstar at handling things on her own and has a huge social circle that she’s developed since being aggressively social this year. 

two views:

view #1: “Do not let your happiness depend on something you may lose.” CS Lewis.  co-dependence bad, independence good; it should be a CHOICE to hang out, not because you’re forced into the relationship.  learn to be self sufficient.  (side note, but my mom preaches this all the time, partially due to her current situation/her past, i think.  she also wants me to STUDY MORE ofc.)

view #2: “If you really cared about something, you would feel really bad if it disappeared tomorrow.” something should be missing, some aspect of life should not be able to go on if you really, really truly cared about another person who left your life. 

i see the two views as being slightly contradictory. i mean, yes, we can carefully reconcile both statements with a hundred caveats, but part of me is sad to hear about our newfound independence and that i now know that angeles would be totally fine (generally fine in the sense that she would survive) if i were to disappear tomorrow.  and vice versa, should angeles disappear. 

anyway, moral of the story: with independence comes more freedom/growth/ways to prove how much you care/a “healthier relationship” at the cost of the comfort/security of knowing that the other person will always be there.  (this more or less destroys my friendship tier framework, fyi, that you can have close friends that aren’t activity partners)


FIRST, i went to ETD pop!!! my first stadium concert experience, my first EDM concert, my first straight rave-like thing. 6 or so DJs from relative obscurity to fame performed at the oakland coliseum. went with some gay friends, brought angeles along. 

i actually ended up at etd pop because i found this track by sander van doorn, who i found out was going to be in the area.  he plays (a remix of) that song, above.  it was religious, cathartic, exhilarating, epic, awesome, all that good stuff.  2:57, moments to live for.  for those keeping score at home, i really wanted to experience this at etd pop, which i think i was largely able to accomplish.

etd pop album.  i want to post a trillion photos, but that’s a beautiful, beautiful album. 

pop5 pop8
pop7 pop9
1) benny benassi (headliner) looking quite happy; 2) the crowd (i think 13K); 3) the lights (absolutely incredible); 4) angeles’s favorite, dash berlin, playing to the crowd, what a ham

in the context of james/angeles, i will largely think of etd pop as a sort of a metaphor for the current state of our friendship. i was going with a big gay group, angeles brought her straight friend and they had physically/socially isolated themselves from the group during the preparty.  we get to etd pop, i dance with gay guys/make out with jerome, angeles hunts the crowd and dances with random hot guys.  we get back, angeles is already finding a group to go to the next straight rave, whereas i would be going to a gay rave.  divergent paths briefly crossing.

caveated with, the above is a bit of selective storytelling to illustrate a point.  we did dance together, we did interact a fair amount during the night, we had a great, great time together, and we overall still care for each other a lot.  FTR, i did have a talk with angeles about my concerns (which… was alright…  she was actually the one who convinced me that independence was a good thing, even if i had felt that it had come at the cost of closeness/changes in our friendship).  while i am, in general, a “what is supposed to happen is supposed to happen, don’t think too hard about it” advocate with respect to friendship (YES, FLUIDITY!!), i do believe that both of us need to start making a conscious effort to fight this trend and make sure that we are still dedicating enough time to sharing new experiences, etc., and not just slowly drifting. 


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