“we’re all like diamonds; we all have different sides that we choose to reveal to different people”
largely brought up through discussions with patrick. where we inevitably end up saying things like “you wouldn’t like X”, where the other person inevitably shoots back “you don’t know me at all!!! you would be surprised at what i like”.
smugness. it’s a goofy conversation because there’s a certain amount of smugness to be able to say “psh, you don’t know me at all”, to know that you aren’t a simpleton, that nobody can predict your actions, that you outwitted and outplayed. that you can wear different hats and trick people as necessary.
i think it’s also somewhat of defense mechanism, not showing everyone your true personality. because if people ever critique you/say something insulting about you, you can just deflect it with a “they don’t know the REAL me” sentiment.
waste of emotion.
“being offended is a waste of emotion.”
–jeff w (one of angeles’s most despised quotes)
smugness has got to be a waste of emotion. what a stupid feeling. but i guess in general, what negative emotions are not wastes of emotion!? i think maybe you can make an argument for grief and for anger, but …. yeah, total waste of emotion.
on different sides. i was telling AJ the other day that i open up to him by far more than i do with any other non-angeles friend. just a weird combination of him asking good questions, providing good commentary, and being a great listener. and then i started thinking about dimensions and how some people bring out different sides of me:
- calm (jim) vs. energetic (angeles, bristin)
- conservative (my rich friends) vs. liberal (zach)
- “masc” (“bros”) vs. “gay” (“gays”)
- vanilla vs. ridiculous/being a character (AJ, sean s)
- well-behaved vs. mischievous/inappropriate
- introverted vs. extroverted
- confident vs. neurotic/awkward
- nerdy/quirky vs. mainstream
- honest vs. PC/appropriate
i think that when we meet people and get to know them, we eventually converge on an identity that we believe works best with their personality. tailor ourselves, if you will. are any of them fake? i suppose so. does it matter?… usually not?
from my hero’s tumblr, itsjeremiah:
We don’t know people. I mean, we think we do, but we don’t. Not really. We can know dumb shit like her favorite color or what fruit he’s allergic too, but we don’t know what happened when he was a kid and what she does in the middle of the night and if sometimes they feel fucked up and sad for no reason at all. People are mirrors; we only see what we are, never what is really there.
This is so true. No one will ever know you like you know yourself. The image that is formed in other peoples heads is the performance that you convey through yours. We are all an explosion of soul and passion and violence and taste and spirit and what the world sees is a sliver of what we choose to let out. I truly believe that moments before our death, who we really are only just begins come out. but I think that the sad truth is that the core of our existence stems from selfishness. Everything we present on the outside is only a sugar-coated dramatization of what we wish we were.