“fundamentally broken.” she perhaps met the one person who she loved more than anyone else that she had ever loved and ever would love, but bad things happened in the relationship. they’ve since decided to call it quits because no matter what good things existed in the relationship and no matter how hard they tried to fix it, irrevocable damage was done. the relationship was fundamentally broken.
when shit goes down, my game plan in the past has NOT been talking it out. “well I FEEL that you were totally wrong and acting like a total asshole.” “well i feel that YOU were totally wrong and an even BIGGER asshole.” a conversation with no good ending.
i’m a believer in working through the awkwardness. my thoughts: take some space until the anger stops becoming soul consuming, and then suck it up, put on a nice face, say nice things when you don’t mean them, show them how much you care about them even if you don’t totally feel it, and make them laugh and remember why you guys truly have something incredible and awesome. and if you 1) don’t double down on your efforts to make the relationship work and 2) aren’t able to prove to them that you are worth fighting for, then the awkwardness and frustration and anger will destroy the relationship. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.
funny how life comes in pairs. two relationships, arguably both fundamentally broken. one relationship, i want to call it quits. the other relationship, the other person wanted to call it quits. BOTH DRAMATIC.
the pessimistic argument.
james, i don’t want to pretend. i really don’t like being disingenuous. i don’t want to play games. i can’t do what you’re proposing because i can’t just simply reset after so much has happened.
friendships don’t last. i can think of all the close friends i’ve had in my life, and none of them lasted for any appreciable amount of time. to think that friendship is this vaunted relationship that is so valuable that it is worth fighting and suffering and enduring is an idea that escapes me. to believe that “close friends”, whatever that even means, are key to your happiness and irreplaceable is misguided. life is too short to spend time on exhausting, maddening, toxic relationships.
the optimistic argument.
i guess i’ve just not wanted there to be lingering negativity, and it just feels there is. what i’m arguing is i do want a future where things are better, and it’s important to me. let’s please try hard to be nice and make an effort. i’m sorry things didn’t get off on the right foot; at least, to me, we really could be great for each other
friends are not tissues. you do not use them and throw them away when convenient. people fuck up. you cut friends slack and you forgive them and move on. you can swallow your pride and grow up and not be petty and passive aggressive. having friends that don’t give you second chances and vice versa will lead to a life of superficial friendships and loneliness. don’t give up on something great; this experience will only strengthen the connection. life is too short to hold on to grudges forever.
my friend has this story. my friend A had a friend B. A and B would spend all their time together and were best friends. B broke up with SO. A continued to hang out with B and SO. B got really angry and told A that A had to choose sides. A told B that he was being ridiculous. B got really pissed and severed all ties.
three years later after no communication, B emailed A. they got together for dinner. i think the opening from A was “hey… i don’t even know what i need to apologize for, but i’m really sorry about everything. can we please just forget about it and be friends again?” B: “i was so immature back then, i’m really sorry for everything.” friendship can endure.