if/when i find a boyfriend, here are the things that i can’t wait to do to my single friends:
- parade him around at all social events, even if he may or may not be welcome. we are a two for one deal now! anything you can tell me you can tell him
- cancel/flake on them (either in an upfront or less than upfront manner) to hang out with my boyfriend
- excessive amounts of pda to remind them of their destiny to own twelve cats
- being unavailable for all the things we used to do together and generally falling off the face of the planet. ignoring or rejecting efforts to hang out. not reaching out anymore
- revoking secret keeper role/inside joker role and relegating it
- generally just not being a good friend anymore. i will let you down.
joking aside, some caveats
- the list was written with the voice of a bitter single person. which is easy! because if there’s anything in life that i am good at, it is being bitter and single. (okay, but not actually that bitter.) (i’m also pretty sensitive.)
- i am fully aware that there are two sides of the coin; the bitterness/sadness is usually outweighed by how much happier your friend is because they have found someone who they really enjoy!
- that said, i want to be 100% clear that i know that coupled people do not do this with the intention of being mean to their single counterparts and are not really to blame (….per se. see below.) but they can’t help themselves, they’re just so in love!!!!!
- also, obviously coupled people may not do some or any of the things on this list
- i have done all these things to my single friends and fully intend on doing them to my single friends if/when i get in a relationship. i will be extra mean, don’t worry.
tangentially related, but changing gears: less so taken vs. single, but more so how friendships change when one person gets in a relationship.
i can think of two instances in my life where, more or less, close friends became close friends with significant others. the past is the past, and the goal is not to point fingers, but i know that i reacted really, really poorly. i can make up whatever excuses i want, but in the end, the sadness that i felt due to the weakening friendship was taken out on the other person, in a variety of innocuous to not so innocuous ways. i am not proud of it, i regret being immature, and i take both of them as growing experiences to help me in the future. to teach me that i need to better adapt to change; to learn the harsh realization that very few, if any, intense friendships will withstand the test of time; that i need to cut people some slack; that if i’m upset about something, i need to be clear about what it is that is upsetting me and what exactly can be done to make it better. and if they are unwilling/if it is impossible, fine, but otherwise, good friendships should be able to weather these things and utility should be maximized.
anyway, the stories end nice enough. time heals all wounds, words are exchanged, reparations are made, hugs are embraced, and james adapts to the new parameters of the relationship. and they all lived happily ever after.
i think it is stupid to believe if someone gets into a relationship, the friendships will stay the same.
more tactically, i would say that it is the responsibility of both parties to make sure the friendship continues to work out. for the recently coupled person, they need to be considerate and make up for the lack of friend-time by doubling down on effort and continue to reach out in ways that still demonstrate that the friendship is something they would like to pursue, and for the non-recently coupled person, they need to be flexible about the changes, understanding, and call out the friend if the friend is being a crappy friend.
on the other hand, if the non-recently coupled person continues to be a bitch and eternally bitter and unpleasant with impossibly high demands, then that’s that. or if the recently coupled person continues to play the “relationship card” yet still really doesn’t demonstrate that you mean anything to them, then that’s that. anyway, things will shake out, whatever happens happens. people will make the choices in their best interest.
joking aside, i would like to say (as a bitter, single person) that i do really value my friends and will hopefully not do much of the above to my friends (especially those that are single). you should hold me to it.
am i really the only one who deals with this problem!? anyway. and i know i also have pretty high standards for friendships.
okay, nice double meaning above?
1) as in, “relationships (ie, friendships) change”
2) as in, “relationships change (friendships)”
“Why’d we stop hanging out so much? I missed you!” he’ll naively say. Being friends with guys is fine; being a filler girlfriend is not. A friend is someone you see at a constant rate, regardless of your relationship status. A filler girlfriend gets dumped when there’s a real girlfriend to take her place.